Sometimes my characters are douches. Actually, this happens a lot. My method? First of all, I eat salt and vinegar chips to get myself in the mood. I don't know why this flavor freaks me out so much. I mean, I like vinegar a lot. But for some reason, salt and vinegar chips remind me of douche. Second of all, I think of, not only the people in my life who are epically egocentric, but also how I would probably be if I didn't have this pesky thing called a conscience. I'm far from sainthood--but since I am non-religious, I try to hold myself to a higher moral standard to prove to myself that I don't need to be good based solely on the fear that I may burn in eternal hellfire if I'm not.

But I digress.Writing a douchey character is similar to writing any other character. You just have to make sure they have realistic motivations and a good backstory. Random or over-the-top douchery is annoying. So I call upon the memory of the douches in my life, past and present and pay homage to them for their contributions, e.g.:

  • The guy I worked with who bragged that his sisters called him a "douche rocket" and liked to pester, irritate and/or openly mock everyone around him. He was most triumphant when he made a female co-worker cry or beat the shit out of a Buddha-head with a golf club because he thought it was ugly.
  • The neighbor who insists on parking 1.5 millimeters from my car. Literally, I cannot fit my hand between the bumpers.
  • The guy I dated who stormed out of my house, slammed the door so hard it bounced all the way back open and peeled out of my driveway. The reason for his temper tantrum? I could break it down, but all that matters is that is was not a good one. He called me when he got home, but I didn't answer. I never saw him again despite his best attempts.
  • The fellow English major in my Renaissance Literature class, who asked to speak with me in the hallway after class, then proceeded to rant at me for disagreeing with his interpretation of The Compass by John Donne, insisting I made him look foolish in front of his peers. No. You did that all on your own. You're shouting the exclamation mark on it right now.
Those are a few off the top of my head. I'm sure there are many more douche rockets out there-- fodder for a new story. In the meantime, my two favorite douche-inspired quotes are from Einstein and Misty Evans, respectively. 

<----Einstein's quote:

Misty's quote:
"He's a douche, Cynthia. My vagina is pH-balanced just from being in the same country with him!"

Blog off.