All work and no play makes Cynthia a dull girl


You Forget 90% of your Dreams
Dreamscape
(Source: Stupid Station)
I am a writer, which means I spend months putting words on paper so I can spend months editing and rearranging them so I can spend months submitting them and getting rejected. When I don't get rejected, I rejoice for years, just to balance everything out.

I first discovered that I have skewed perceptions of reality when I was eight. I had a really good idea for a book, but I didn't feel comfortable telling my siblings that it was my idea in case they thought it was weird, so I called it a "dream." When I was done with my amazing tale, they told me that something was probably wrong with me.

Side note: I believed the "dream" gig was such a good red herring that I tried it again the next year. Except this time, I peeked at my birthday gifts and told my sibling about this "dream" I had that coincided with every gift I was about to get. Said sibling ratted me out and I didn't get birthday gifts that year. Dream fail!

Groceries
Shopping cart
(Source: Saving Sanity)
They were right. There's something wrong with me, but I prefer to say I'm "creative." Also, I can do shit in my writing that I would never be allowed to do in real life, which is really cool and therapeutic, and the reason I don't drink too much or hit people. But there are two sides to every coin. My writing affects my real life in unhealthy ways too.
  • When I grocery shop, I think about my totals in the terms of word count:
    • "That cost me almost a whole page."
    • "That wasn't much more than a paragraph."
    • "I can get two of these, they're only a clause apiece."
  • When I watch the news, I find myself thinking, "that would make a great story."
  • At least once a year, I sequester myself away from the world for a month to write 50,000 words. On the weekends, I might not even comb my hair.
  • When I read a really good book, instead of thinking "That was a really great book," I think, "Damn, I should have thought of that."
  • I have a crush on some of my characters. I'm not saying which ones.
  • I eavesdrop in public places to get character dialogue ideas.
  • I delight in being of part of, or seeing awkward situations, because I know I will eventually use them in a story.
rorschach10
Ink blot
(Source: zaynabdenaziari.com)
Most of all, writing something and putting it out there is baring your soul to the world. You're opening yourself up to criticism and psychological evaluation. That includes blogs. After reading two or more of a writer's works, I know who has daddy issues, a broken heart or a boring love life. I can also pretty much guess who felt nurtured as a child, who feels loved now and who has an unhealthy obsession with masturbation.

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy
The Shining
(Source: Be the Ink)
That being said, I'm set to lock myself in my room at the end of each work day for a month in an attempt to pound out another 50,000 words that (should) make sense when read sequentially. I'm supposed to write 1,667 words a day, but generally I write 500-750 a day during the week and then 15,000 on the weekends. The last day I'll probably write 5,000 but look back and  find the page covered with: "All work and no play makes Cynthia a dull girl" over and over again. Ooh. That could be a cool plot point.

Blog off.
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Writing conferences and business cards

I've been writing completely the wrong way.

Last year I went to the League of Utah Writers Conference in Park City and encountered something I was totally unprepared for. It wasn't harsh/helpful critique, swoon-worthy celebrity guests or a wealth of helpful information on writing/editing/publishing. I'm not saying those factors weren't present, but I was prepared for them. The surprise was the wealth of business cards that ended up in my pockets and in my purse. Everyone—and I mean everyone had one—except me.

This year's conference is coming up on Friday/Saturday and I plan to be prepared this time. I won't waste my time honing my latest manuscript. Instead, I plan to go armed with the bestest business card ever. I saw some pretty awesome business cards last year, so the stakes are high, but I was raised with five brothers and this makes me highly competitive. I also minored in professional and technical writing and I'm a freelance document designer. (Credentials proffered.) So in an effort to outdo the rest of the writing world (suck it, writing world!), I trolled the Internet for the coolest business cards ever. Below are some of the best business card offerings.

Die-cut
Cool die-cut face case with matching hair-colored card.

Pop-up
Pop-up figure card! Fun for everyone!

Impressive
Impressive official document-style card--is there a bubble-wrap card?

Balloon card
Balloon card? Can I make animals with them?!

Super-friendly
Super-friendly business cards!

Impressive retro
Impressive retro envelope wax seal card.

Dazzle you
Or good grammar or em-dashes....


Showcasing skills
Showcasing skills! Seems like a good idea.

Yes, my intention is to have an awesome business card in time for the conference. But in reality, I'll probably end up with something like this:

My name is Cynthia
My name is Cynthia
A girl can only do so much....

Inspiration in the mountains or flies on my marshmallows


Camping!
Camping!
I went camping with my children this weekend, which I thought might provide me with some time to come up with a "novel idea"  (har har) for the upcoming NaNoWriMo, while I communed with nature. But that's not what happened. Instead, we staked our claim on hornet/fly heaven and spent an entire day battling the flying freaks and juggling hot dogs, exploding s'mores and sriracha-flavored potato chips.

Before I continue, you should be aware that I am by no means a stranger to camping. I grew up camping, my children grew up camping and I'm not afraid of getting a little dirt under my fingernails. I can set up a tent, build a fire, and I can shoo a fly. But these guys were coming at us with the fury and persistence of a small, winged tornado. It's harder to shoo a tornado.

Side note: Flies eat poop. And then they land on your face.

Still, I thought, even if I didn't get a chance to write while I was camping, maybe I could take something write-worthy from the experience. Maybe I could write something about:
  • Buying four times the food but only half the water we actually needed
    • Meh, we can eat potato salad all week now
    • Nobody died
  • Purchasing a camp chair and leaving it at the check-out stand
    • Fly swarm
      Fly swarm of doom
    • Realizing the cooler worked just as well
  • The aforementioned flurry of flying things
    • Making the best of a bad situation
    • It's only terrible if you can't use it to your advantage somehow
  • The squirrel that screamed at me for five minutes in the morning as I was trying to find a snake-free place to pee
    • He/she was probably telling me to stay away from his/her babies, but I feel like there was a deeper level of communication there
      • In retrospect, a warning that hornets can sting you through a tent
  • The porcupine that waddled into our camp and stared us down with a "tha hell are you doing in hornet/fly heaven?" look on its face
    • Floating water bottle lantern
      Floating water bottle lantern
    • It only left after it felt we were sufficiently awed by its complete lack of fear
  • The bow hunters who clomped through our camp at 5 am
    • Whom I was convinced in my abruptly-awoken-in-a-strange-place delirium were gangsters intent on machine-gunning us through the tents in our sleep
      • Side note: I've been watching a lot of Breaking Bad lately
    • Whom I probably scared the hell out of as I leaped out of my tent and mean-mugged as they walked by
      • S'mores gone wrong
        S'mores gone wrong
      • Side note: According to my children, I have the meanest mean-mug ever
  • The floating water bottle lantern my son crafted
    • Side note: Water refracts light better than Dr. Pepper
  • The way-too-puffy marshmallows that engulfed our s'mores before we could eat them, despite my newly-purchased s'mores cooker
    • Side note: :(
  • If you move the tent right before bed but forget to re-stake it down, it ends up rolling down the hill with people still inside it
  • Getting stung by a hornet through the rented tent as we were folding it up
    • Subsequently, spastically chucking the tent into the fire
    • Tent stake fail
      Tent stake fail
    • Sub-subsequently, purchasing a tent with a big hole in it
Maybe there's something write-worthy there--maybe there isn't, but there are other important things I will take from the trip--like the disdain from daughter's boyfriend when I asked if he had a camp stove we could use to cook breakfast in the morning.

Side note: Dutch oven breakfast is delicious.
Kate Moss
What I thought I looked like camping

Muddy
What I really looked like camping







Blog off.
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Setting sketch - rural

If you've never been to a small—and I mean really small town—you can't fathom what life is like there. You may assume it's like city life, but smaller, with livestock and cowboy hats. But there's so much more to it than that.
Keep your teeth to yourself!
See how you like it!
I mean, small-town folks are seriously quirky. They have a whole other set of rules, their own language, ethical codes and rights of passage. For instance—in some small towns it is not only completely appropriate, but also a sign of manhood, to castrate sheep with your teeth. When people do this in the city, we commit them to the psych ward, sign a petition to end sheep cruelty and wonder where the hell he got the poor thing.

Try pushing me over
Just try it. Punk.
And contrary to popular belief, cow-tipping isn't really a thing. Cows are solid four-footed steak-filled tanks. Unless you startle them so thoroughly that they are doing a jig while you are shoving them with the arm span and strength of The Mighty Hercules, they're not going anywhere. You'll probably sprain your wrists trying, and it will serve you right.

I peed my pants
Don't look at me!
There is no such thing as "minding your own business" in a small town. Everybody knows everyone's everything. And I mean every dirty little detail—who cheated on whom, who wandered into which house drunk last night, who peed the bed at a sleepover in third grade. And you'll never really live it down. You can be 65 years old and everyone will still call you "pissy" but they won't really know why. In the city, this level of information is called stalking and can result in restraining orders.

Even small-town greetings are quite complicated. Small-town friendlies don't just wave hello. You don't want to make the embarrassing mistake of offering the wrong wordless greeting. You'll look like a schmuck. It goes like this:
  • Raise one finger lazily for an "I don't really know you that well, but let's not be rude" wave
  • Raise two fingers for a "Hey there, I remember you" wave
    Howdy
    Howdy
  • Full-hand, fingers together and a grin for a "Yeah, we're buddies" wave
  • Full-on enthusiastic wavin' around your whole hand-wave when female bffs see each other. Guys don't wave like this. To anyone. Ever.
  • A hat tip is appropriate for someone you respect
  • The hat can come all the way off if:
    • You really, really respect them
    • She's really hot and you're not using it to cover up a bald spot
Things you should know
It's important to understand the players in a small town. Typically there's some quiet aloof guy everyone wonders about—does he have a criminal history? Did his wife die? Is he mentally ill? There's the lady who gets into everyone's business—who not only knows what everyone did, but she's pretty sure she knows why they did it. There's the hot, rebellious teenage girl, the goofy hick with big ears and a loyal dog in there somewhere. But don't be afraid to mix that shit up and throw your readers for a loop. What about a quiet woman and a gossipy man? What about goofy dog with one floppy ear and a hot nerd chick who is dying to be a physicist?

If you can't visit a small town, talk to someone from a small town, or watch Footloose, It's a Wonderful Life or The Village. Or you can search Google for "small town life" and then watch Footloose anyway for fun. (I mean the one from the 80s.) The world is full of people who want to give you information. Like me. I'm helpful—so helpful, in fact, I've included some other random bits of information below. Enjoy!

You know if you live in a small town if:
  • You don't need to use your blinker when you're driving because everyone knows where you're going. 
  • If you dial a wrong number, you probably still chat for 20 minutes. 
  • The post office doesn't require street addresses for incoming mail. 
  • There's one convenience store and it may have a name, but everyone just calls it the owner's name.
  • You get super excited when someone new moves in because now there's someone you can legally date.
  • People randomly drive through town on their tractors or lawnmowers.
Blog off!

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Setting sketch - fantasy

Middle Earth
Middle Earth
Setting is as much a part of a story as each character is. Whereas a dynamic character can draw a reader in, a well-formed landscape can lend realism to an otherwise foreign story. I've never been much for fantasy, but I've read The Lord of the Rings and The Chronicles of Narnia—as a matter of fact, I took a Tolkien/Lewis college course, which allowed me to geek out completely and included Lewis' lesser-known Space Trilogy, which I'll discuss in another post. I've read a few other stories that were set in mystical places—some worked well and some seemed to be trying too hard to ride the coattails of Tolkien's success. I mean, who hasn't wanted to live in a cozy Hobbit-hole for a day?

The Hero's Journey

Campbellian Monomyth:

Fantasy authors are usually intimately familiar with the Campbellian Monomyth (as illustrated) and implement the elements to varying degrees. They tend to fall back on the favorite mystical characters—elves, dwarves, trolls and dragons. And there's a map. There always seems to be a damn map.

Maps:

Most of us remember the map of Middle Earth created for Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings trilogy, The Hobbit and the scripture behind the story, The Silmarillian. And if you weren't a Tolkien nerdling before, you're almost certainly one after the release of the epic movies.

Narnia
Narnia
Tolkien contemporary, C.S. Lewis created a map for The Chronicles of Narnia to help us bring all seven stories together. Following in the great cartographic tradition, Stephen R. Donaldson's Chronicles of Thomas Covenant is mapparific. Terry Prachett's Discworld has a map complete with a giant turtle,and Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time series is all mapped up.  I know there are more great fantasy maps, but you can only fit so many in one blog. Never fear, there are tools that allow you to make your own fantasy world map if you so choose.

Decoding:

Discworld
Discworld
But it takes more than the map to help readers and viewers decode a strange new place. It's about making that strange place seem familiar—homey even. Oftentimes, authors are so hell-bent on making their mythical place different from any other mythical place that's ever been invented since the dawn of time, that the names are unpronounceable and the characters are unbelievable. We just can't quite identify with Drychnark the half hellhound, half earthworm from Yrting as he swings through the canopy of his Ulrgark-ridden world searching for the golden naaayk, which will banish the unwanted Ulgark scourge and restore his ravaged home. To help us feel something for Drychnark, put him in a believable setting and give him and his surroundings pronounceable names

The Land
The Chronicles of Thomas Covenant

Rule #1:

The first and most important thing you need to keep in mind if you're creating a fantasy world is that you can't be lazy and create something believable and unique at the same time. Creating a world takes time, patience and intelligence. Just ask God. You have to do your research—read what's been written already and know your new world inside and out before you start. Inconsistency is annoying and it alienates readers and viewers. Oftentimes, writers choose a real place and plunk their fantasy world on top of it. This helps give them a frame of reference. Then they set about renaming things like a giant army conquering a small country. That's right. It makes you kind of a bastard.

Rule #2:

The second thing you need to keep in mind is that readers and viewers don't want you to barf this new place out at them all at once. They want to be introduced to it slowly—to allow them time to acclimate before you introduce another oddity. This is a lot like undressing. Throwing off your clothes in the middle of the street screaming "look at my body! It's glorious!" is called flashing, and even if your body is glorious, you can get arrested for that. Letting your clothes fall off piece by piece in an intimate setting is either called foreplay or stripping, but both are usually better received than flashing. Think of introducing your new world as a striptease. Strip away the layers slowly to build interest and stimulate readers and viewers. Are you with me?

Rule #3:

The Wheel of Time
The Wheel of Time
The third thing you need to keep in mind is that if you decide to defy the laws of physics for any reason--although that propels us dangerously close to sci-fi--you need to be able to explain it. Again, laziness is no good here. If you take shortcuts, readers and viewers get annoyed and they won't connect with your story. Have explanations for things even if you don't spell them out in your story.

Map on:

Once your world is built, you can start spinning your story. And you can make a map to place in the front of the book if you feel so inclined.

Blog off.
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